don't read too much into this...

i had written this entry and saved it as a draft, with intention on finishing the thought at a later point. honestly, it seems a little trivial considering what happened with mike (R.I.P.). looking back in retrospect, there are bigger things happening here. i honestly shouldn't be wasting my time with trivial problems like this. however, i do feel that it is important to take a good look at the status of my life leading up to this tragedy. i say this because i am pretty sure that my life is forever changed by it. honestly, one thing i can take from his death is the realization that life isn't what you make of it. you can do what you wish in order to make life more fun/interesting/exciting/etc. but life is something that we just ride along with. if life turns toward marriage, you'll get married. if life suggests that it's time to go to college, you'll go. if life tells you that it's your time to die, then life will pull your car over to the left side of that line and bring it all to an ending that we will all inevitably face. you see, i've realized that no matter what happens leading up the point of no return, as long as you go at the pinnacel of your life, that's all that matters. i keep telling myself that it's kind of a good thing that he went at a strong point of his life, before life for him had a chance to turn for the worse. i digress. the following paragraphs describe the state of mind that i was in just before mike's life was taken from him.


i work my ass off. i work hard. yet every day, i feel less and less that the home that i pay for is my actual home. i get bitched a for my dog, so i give her away. she was the main reason that i moved in. i moved in with lindsey and lance because they had enough room for my dog. then, they start bitching. they say that there's not enough room for her and start locking her in my room all day while i'm working. a bedroom isn't enough room for a dog. to add insult to injury, they bring home another dog, even though there was barely enough room for peanutbutter and bruizer. i digress... i give my dog to my dad (which i was assuming was out of the question or i would have moved in with him to begin with). next comes the bitching. they want me to do more dishes... dishes. i use, maybe, three dishes per week. i even clean and rinse them when i'm done. sorry, roommate. i'm not going to waste my time cleaning dishes that i don't use. i don't clean up after their dogs. sorry, i gave my dog away. my days of cleaning up doggie messes are over. i am truly tired of paying money to feel like a burden on my roommates.

then enters candace (and her new cozy apartment), my savior. i finally have a safe haven i could retreat to where i felt like nothing in the world could happen to me. we hang out, watch tv, browse the web, eat, sleep, etc. basically, she offered me a place to just go and be happy with her. it was great. then, just as i start to think that something is going to go just the way i'd have it, someone else decides to come in and start throwing shit around. apparently, the mere presence of a male is a little much for some people in this world to handle. basically, with the flip of a switch, i am no longer welcome in my own paradise. the one place where i feel comfortable/safe/loved/welcome in this world is no longer accessible to me. i understand that with some effort, i could "work" my way back in. i could be nice to this person who has made it so obvious that my mere existance is a burden. but then, what kind of situation does this create? she isn't dumb girl by any means. she knows, deep down, that she's unjustly made someone else's business her own. thus, she will then assume that my kindness to her could be translated into my attempting to weasel my way back into their place. even though i would never be that way, she would have no way of knowing it. i know that these problems may seem asenine, it just sucks to be cast out of a place that you love so much to begin with.

basically, i feel like i am welcome nowhere. i feel like no matter where i go, someone is going to feel uncomfortable. i could go to mom's, but jerry would have a thing or two to say about it. i could go to my dad's, but michele wants her own kids. i know she does. candace's is a possibility, but not until some serious effort is put into the relations between myself and her roommate. my home is still a carnival. the largest problem with this whole situation is that i just feel like i go so far out of my way to be nice to everyone. i always do the right thing, in every situation. it seems that jobless assholes who focus on nothing but taking advantage of every decent person in their lives have an easier time finding solace in the world than i do. *end

this journal entry was not finished. however, i would like to add that my time this week/weekend with matt and the crew was amazing. i found myself dwelling on this particular entry and began to formulate some new feelings about what "home" really is. i started to ponder the idea of "home" as a place within the person. we've all heard that home is where the heart is, and my heart is with the people that i love, not a free-standing structure on the west side of indianapolis. i'll have to elaborate on these ideas later. i miss you mike. i know that you'll be with me forever, bub.